I'm Doing IT!

Ok, so here’s something a little different.  This is an actual chat log with a friend, with a few modifications for readability.  You think this is just a game ya’ll?  You think this is some kind of act?  Nah son, this is how I am in real life.  Read it!

(3:05:30 PM) KV: I thinks I am going to do something this weekend
(3:05:42 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: ok
(3:05:46 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: like what?
(3:06:00 PM) KV: like what what?
(3:06:19 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: well u just said “do something,”
(3:06:24 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: which is rather inspecific
(3:07:55 PM) KV: ah yes,  good point.  I was referring to the driving
(3:08:10 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: ah
(3:08:12 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: ok
(3:08:23 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: do something could include prostitutes
(3:08:25 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: drugs
(3:08:27 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: crime
(3:08:28 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: meth
(3:08:30 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: so yea
(3:08:32 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: details
(3:08:34 PM) KV: I have not done any proper driving since like 2 months ago…
(3:08:45 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: wurd
(3:08:46 PM) KV: wait….HOW would you know that?
(3:08:54 PM) KV: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UPTO?????
(3:09:00 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: how do I know what the word “do” means
(3:09:10 PM) KV: do something could include prostitutes
drugs
crime
meth
so yea

(3:09:13 PM) KV: ???????????
(3:09:18 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: well I have used it in a sentence a few thousand times so…
(3:09:26 PM) KV: hmmmmm
(3:09:30 PM) KV: highly suspect
(3:09:41 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: yea well
(3:09:47 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: you know how I DO
(3:09:52 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: prostitutes
(3:09:56 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: I do prostitutes 
(3:10:39 PM) orionmcc@gmail.com/D0BAF454: *status changed*

Yup, still doing prostitutes…

Did you know that there’s a product on the shelf of your grocery store called “nut clusters?” Look, I try to be as mature as any man my age should be, but how are you just going to brazenly name your product “nut clusters.” Nut. Clusters. …. As in multples of them. How do you even advertise that?

Who doesn’t want to wake up in the morning to a mouthful of nut clusters?!?  No one doesnt, that’s who. 

Look, can we all just agree that the word nut, and thus the love of nuts has been ruined. Can we call a do over and replace it with a word that’s less easily sexualized. I don’t know. Sclerosis sounds pretty unsexy to me. Nobody likes a mouthful of sclerosis. No one.

When did we decided that we were all going to conform to the standards of the least capable among us.  Other people aren’t going to recycle, why should I recycle?  Other people wouldn’t let me merge in traffic, why should I.  Yeah, well Timmy has to wear mittens year round, and Suzy isn’t allowed near fire because it “talks,” to her.  Should we all have to have mittens pinned to our jackets year round?  I’m just saying it doesn’t hurt to try a little harder.  Somewhere there’s a guy who thinks it’s okay to watch you through your window through binoculars, that doesn’t mean you should think that it’s okay.  In fact, you should think that, that’s not okay.  Also, if you do happen to think that is okay, which is your right I suppose, I have just removed you from my facebook friend’s list.  Did you see that perv?  How was that for you?

Pri . us . ing

verb

1. Driving in the left lane at 67 miles an hour because you are going faster than the speed limit, and therefore, have a right to be there.

2. Alternately, merging onto the freeway at 30 miles an hour.  Surely someone will let you in once you get there.

Usage

“I’m sorry Delores.  I would have been here sooner but I was caught behind an awful pick up truck priusing for the last four miles.”

Priusing.  Also, prius (present), priused (past), pri (perfect)

“Yeah, I’ve pried… I’m not proud of it but I’ve pried before.  I’ll probably pri again, who are you to judge me.”

“Never hope, girls hate hope.”

-Me, all the freakin time.

I grew up in the South right, a place where General Lee, and General Jackson (two confederate war generals) are celebrated on the same day as Martin Luther King (basically, the real life, negro super hero).  Back there things were simpler.  Diversity meant that your venue was frequented by both black AND white people, and racism was comfortably blatant.  Sure, a confederate war store in the back lands of Fredericksburg was a little creepy, but at least you knew what that was.  Where I live now, things are a lot more subtle.  That’s why, I think about the only people not racist in the Bay are white people.  Like a sad puppy that’s been flogged one too many times, they just don’t have it in them anymore.

“So then this guy, I don’t mean to be racist, but he was a human American citizen of origins originating of Africa-“
 ”He was Black?”
 ”Yes!  He was one of those!”

 
In other news, I learned that the sculptor of Mt. Rushmore was a member of the KKK…  So that happened.  Yaayy, ‘Murkia’!

Sometimes I think of jokes in advance, and I’m like, “that’s so funny, I have to tell someone.”  That’s right, I pre-plan getting the approval of those around me…  You know who has two thumbs and is totally a winner right now?  That’s right, this guy!

#Winning

Look, I’m not afraid of anyone in this world really (except the ghost of MR. Rodgers, ninjas, and Smurfs, those things weird me the hell out), but I would find it awkward to be forced to have a conversation with anyone I’ve been avoiding for sometime.  I mean, really, what do you say?

“So….  You still exist I see….  Good for you!”

Yea, totally not awkward at all.

“Breathing too?  All day every day you say?  Congratulations, it looks good on you.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that there must be too many awesome people in the world, or at least on the internet. Think about it, you turn on YouTube, or look at Facebook, and there are all these videos of people singing, and flipping, and being awesome and stuff.  Hell, even dogs dance, cats bark, and kittens play peek-a-boo. So then, we look at all that awesome, and we think, man, I can’t do any of that stuff. My life is so meaningless, and I am sad. Then, just as you are about to leave the internet, you see someone has become famous for laying down. Finally, something even I can do!!  I too can lay on something and take a picture of it. Oh internet, your wisdom is infinite and geared to the lowest common denominator. Thank you. 

Maybe I’m not enough of a fashionista (in fact I know I’m not), but I don’t understand $300+ cuff links.  I feel like $300 cuff links should come with their own pickup line, as in “Hey girl, you see I got on $300 cuff links, what yo number is?”  and such.  Same thing for any accessory that breaks the $99 mark.  $300 wallets.  $1000 belts.  If you wear a $1000 dollar belt, and are able to do so without crying over your misplaced priorities in life, then I believe that people should instantly find you more attractive.  Like that should be a rule.

1000 x Cost of Belt == More love from the ladies (or guys if that’s your thing).

Money may not be able to buy you love (happiness, a personality, or a soul), but it can buy you John Varvatos and a whole lot of alcohol, and some times that’s close enough.  

Hey all, I’ve been gone a little while.  Let’s see if I can get back into the swing of this.  Only two more posts to go until 100.  It’s been pretty fun so far.